glorycloud's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wearing the clothes of a dead man I Wish I Was Dead It is 5:03 PM-I got home from work the usual time-Beth wanted to go to the bank and cash a check-so out the door-it is a very hot day today! It was over a 100 degrees at the bottom of the Egg Pit today. So I took Beth to the bank and on the way home we got Burger King for the evening meal-we came home-I washed off the egg shit and ate my Burger King #2 looking through the morning paper-nothing came in the mail for me-after eating I came to the computer to past time-check for e-mail and read the news-I am beat from work! The work week was a killer! I am glad it is another Friday in my existence-I need some time to heal and pray for mercy. Beth went to the Mall with a girlfriend-Joe is at a Reformed World and Life Conference-my wife lover is gone to her annual girlfriend get together she comes home late Sunday afternoon-she left me a love gift on the kitchen table a jar of Smucker's Dove Milk Chocolate Ice Cream Topping-she knows how to get to my heart-belly. No plans for evening hours-I am wasted from work-very sore-depressed-broken-do not know why I am so depressed? I was feeling ok for awhile and now I feel terrible again-I am always fighting with depression. Well I will close to rest-I need to take some pain killers. The only book I have looked at today is titled "Neither Poverty nor Riches:A Biblical Theology of Material Possessions" by Craig L. Blomberg. LOBOTOMY Time has passed-I got a cup of ice cream and poured on it the Smucker's Dove Chocolate Ice Cream Topping-it is a party! I read some online journals and wandered the house in search of someone to talk to-I am alone in the cosmos-I am thinking of going to bed early-take some pain pills and call it a day-tomorrow is my OFF day-I will get up at six o'clock in the morning and listen to the birds-fix myself a big breakfast-the only morning I eat breakfast is Saturdays-eggs and sausage-I noticed my wife also got for me my favorite sausage meat for my breakfast tomorrow morning-she treats me like a king. At work I worked so hard I had no time to think-I kept praying for a lobotomy-it would be nice to not know soul pain-just to work with no awareness of a Self. Last night I went to bed early and talked to my wife-told her all my troubles-she was reading a book titled "Cokie & Steve Roberts From This Day Forward"-I was too out of it to read-I did listen to a CD by Yo La Tengo "And then nothing turned itself inside-out"-I got up at 11:30 p.m. to eat a bowl of cereal and to write some e-mail notes to friends-Beth walked through the front door at midnight-I went to bed and slept poorly. I was thinking of writing down my thoughts on music critics and demon possessed co-workers but too tired now to write down those reflections-I should close and find a dark place that is free from the howls of the dead machine world. You know what I am afraid of? it is men who are violent and not full of the love of God-violence scares me-it is scary to be in a world full of violent men and women-where is the love for ones fellow man? Well time to drift off into the evening shadows. wearing the clothes of a dead man The evening goes by like it did last Friday evening-no one home-Mack the dog is out front on his chain guarding his territory-Beth came home with two of her girlfriends-they ate food and left to roam the dead world-I have been reading "Conversion in the New Testament Paul and the Twelve" by Richard V. Peace-I did take a short nap-fell asleep listening to Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds "The Boatman's Call"-got up to enjoy freedom from modern slavery-I do not watch television so I have been reading and messing with the computer-I plan to go to bed around ten o'clock-read before closing my eyes to go dreamland. At work today I went up the dead steel machine beast and asked for mercy-all the machine did is spit egg shit into my face and mocked me in dead lifeless machine roar-it is very depressing to KNOW that all I have to look forward to for the next 16 years is killing myself at the Hamilton Farm Bureau-Egg Division-my wife told me I could retire when I am 55 years old-I do not know if it would be wise to retire? It costs a ton of money to live in America-as the years go by everything cost more and more money-in the end I know it is the Lord that takes care us in this American wasteland-it is God that keeps us going from one day to the next-I just like to know Why does it have to be so hard living? Why the pain? Why do I never experience happiness? joy? fulfillment? a feeling of accomplishment? What is wrong with me? Is my constant sense of inward pain due to sin? Am I experiencing what is normal for a man of God? a disciple of Christ Jesus? Just the thought of working at the egg pit till I am 65 years old makes me sick depressed-scared-mad. Well you can see what is on my mind this evening-I should just try to forget work and enjoy my weekend-try to enjoy freedom from the egg hell torment, I will close to bring the dog in and do the dishes-go to bed-pray for me-divine direction. 9:28 p.m. - 2001-07-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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