glorycloud's Diaryland Diary

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morning reflections

Time has passed. It is now 8:52 AM Thursday morning. As I was washing dishes I suddenly remembered something I wanted to write about this morning.

I have been recently thinking that in the Past when interacting with people/ministers there have been times when they reacted to me in very negative way. During those times when these people/minsters reacted with hostility towards me when I had done nothing or said anything to cause such a strong negative reaction to my presence I was totally mystified. Lately I have come to think these bad episodes were because to these people/Christians/ministers was because I represented everything that they had failed to achieve spiritually. What I mean is that in my unconscious state of living out my Christian life I was living a life that condemned these Christians/ministers etc. . . I have never been in love with this world. I am not materialistic. I have always loved the Word of God and sought to live in the light of spiritual realities etc. . . I always wore old clothes and drove old cars. My wife and I slept on the floor for years before buying a bed. What I think now is that these Christians who reacted to me in a very negative way were feeling condemned by our holy Christian life style. In the past we were around some Christians that were rich/ministers who were rich. Carol and I did not care about money or possessions. Unconsciously I think now these Christians unconsciously felt condemned by our Christian life style-my totally unworldliness. I made these Christians/ministers feel uncomfortable, so they lashed out at me and said all kinds of mean and terrible things about me and my family etc. . .

Also lately I have felt a burden about having so many books and tons of boxes of diaries. I want to be free of everything-my books and my diaries. I like to just have a Bible and a few books. I like to burn all my diaries and never write any more. I want to be free of everything. Now what bothers me is that I can not burn my diaries and give my books away. I am holding on to these things and there is no logical reason to hold unto my books or my diaries. It is all very absurd! I want to only have a few old clothes, a Bible, and few books like the Collected Works of St. John of the Cross. I am burdened by all the stuff I have that in the end mean nothing/can't take with me to the grave. What is holding me back from forsaking everything? Why am I holding on to nothing? It troubles me this holding on to my diaries and old used books.

"[25] And there went great multitudes with him: and he turned, and said unto them,
[26] If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.
[27] And whosoever doth not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple.
[28] For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it?
[29] Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it, all that behold it begin to mock him,
[30] Saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish.
[31] Or what king, going to make war against another king, sitteth not down first, and consulteth whether he be able with ten thousand to meet him that cometh against him with twenty thousand?
[32] Or else, while the other is yet a great way off, he sendeth an ambassage, and desireth conditions of peace.
[33] So likewise, whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple.
[34] Salt is good: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be seasoned?
[35] It is neither fit for the land, nor yet for the dunghill; but men cast it out. He that hath ears to hear, let him hear." Luke 14:25-35

9:14 a.m. - 2016-02-04

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