glorycloud's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the believer walks by naked faith the believer walks by naked faith I am up because Carol woke me up and got me upset so here I sit talking to myself. She got me upset because she got me talking about the nature of reality in the dead american wilderness. I went to bed around 7 o'clock and she came to bed around 11 o'clock. I was asleep but she wanted to talk about stuff so now here I sit upset. I like to forget everything and sleep but now that is impossible. So what write to myself at this midnight hour? This evening I mainly read the crazy book "The Religion of Paul the Apostle" by John Ashton. I did want to quote something from the book "Wasting Time With God" by Issler that I mentioned to Carol tonight. Issler is speaking about the effects of going through the dark night of the soul ("The Dark Night of the Soul" by St. John of the Cross) "It is important to note that this journey into the darkness, into the desert, into the abyss is at God's own choosing. By extending such an invitation, God considers us ready for a new and deeper level of intimacy with him. By means of such periods of dryness, God purifies our faith, and in the process he dislodges what we hold dear, including our false fixed ideas about God. Paradoxically, God desires to draw us closer to himself by being temporarily distant and hidden." pp.146,147 So what else is on my tired brain? I am too agitated to go to bed. I can not go any place. If I lived in a big city maybe I could find someplace to go? I could sit in the dark and wait till I feel at peace with being alive in this dead world? I have to go to the egg hell soon and kill myself for a hand full of nickels. I like to stay home but there is no escape. At least today is a Friday the end of another work week. One week closer to death. Caleb Jon called this evening and told Carol what time to pick him up Friday. Carol was suppose to work tonight but she was put on call. She still could be called by the hospital to work. I have no plans for the weekend. I do not want to do anything but wait for death. I did not get a haircut this evening because I went to salon and found it closed. There was a note on the door saying Kevin the guy who cuts my hair and owns the salon was sick and was closed. I wish he had called me and told me my appointment had been canceled. I must confess that right now I feel a pain in the middle of my being. I do not know where to go with my pain? There is no way to free myself of the pain of being. I can suffer here or at the bottom of the egg hole that is my existence. This cold hard fact is extremely painful. It is more painful when I realize no one cares. Well I will close to feel miserable. Soon it will be time to go to a slow death. 1:10 a.m. - 2001-12-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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