glorycloud's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- screaming in silent pain there is no one to talk to except myself At lunch break I did say more to the fellow who asked me why do I go to church? I gave this fellow one of my raps. (I hate hearing myself repeat one of my raps) I gave the fellow the rap on why I go to church and not stay home. I find this rap depressing because it is not full of the Joy of the Holy Ghost. I know the correct answers but why be fake? I believe in being real even if I come off weird. As I gave this fellow my rap I could see he was bored, he wanted to play cards with Doug and Barry. He did not want to hear me wail in pain about my struggle with the American religious world of Holland Mich. No one cares if I am in pain because I can not believe that what takes place on Sunday is real spiritual worship holy fellowship. It is my problem and that is where it ends. So here I sit drinking a coke and listening to World Party. Back to the rap. I told the fellow Keith that I do not fit in any church. I am not comfortable with American evangelicalism. I do not believe Sunday worship should be full of special music, children sermons or choirs. I do not believe in man-centered music. If we are going to have singing then sing the Old Testament Psalms. What I really would like on Sundays is complete silence. All I would like to hear on Sunday if I had it my way would be the reading of the Bible and that is it. Maybe Christians praying but no singing. There is no such thing as a real New Testament Church I told the guys as they started to play cards. Christians tend to worship according to what they feel comfortable with not what is revealed in the New Testament. As I shared my pain I could sense Keith, Doug, Cal and Barry wanted to play their card game and no hear me wail in pain so I broke off my rap and went to eat lunch. I felt terrible the rest of the day. I felt the pain of spiritual alienation. No one wants to discuss what does it mean to go to church? I told Keith as I wailed that I go to church twice on Sunday. I hear two sermons and that is it. I have no one I feel close to in our church. No one has come up to me and shared with me their pain at our church. I want heart reality and not religious games. So here I sit depressed and alone in the world. I tell Keith that the only person I have fellowship with is Doug my boss and that is sad. It is sad because I know that Doug and I are not close we talk about spiritual things but we are not soul friends. I am just an employee and Doug is my boss. If I was to leave tomorrow we would never see each other or talk ever again. Our friendship is very superficial when you really look at. Doug and I live in different worlds and have nothing in common except basic Christianity. I am just a face at the bottom of the egg pit. A ghost sinking in the egg slop. I am alone in the religious world. I am alone in America. I am alone and there is nothing to do to change that fact. All I know is that tomorrow I have to go out into the dead world and work my butt off at the bottom of the egg hole till I want to scream in silent pain. 9:39 p.m. - 2001-12-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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