glorycloud's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was born in Oakland, California I was born in Oakland Calif. It is 7:42 PM I ate my soup with my wife-after we ate I read chapter 2 of The Gospel of John for devotions and closed with prayer-she has left for the funeral-I am too tired to do anything but sit here and write down my thoughts. Today at work I was daydreaming of what I would write in my diary Friday-then I found out at 2:30 break that my boss wanted me to not take the day OFF but come in and work-so now is the time for me to write-maybe Saturday I won't be around to record my thoughts that I had today at the bottom of the egg pit. At work today I was going over in my head what I told the mental health worker last Monday-like I wrote earlier I knew this woman from church-her and her husband had worshipped at our church for awhile but left to join the United Reformed Church-but I had talked to this couple once and had told them my boring tale of pain and rejection-so this mental health worker knew me-in a way I was disappointed that I had gone to this place for help and behold the individual that I was looking for answers to my problems was someone I knew and already knew me-I was hoping that the mental health worker assigned to me would be a stranger not someone who knew me and had some knowledge of me-but maybe it was a sign getting this mental health worker that there is no help for me in the mental health profession world-So I met with this mental health worker and repeated for her my Story-I felt like a broken record telling her what I had mentioned in the Past but maybe she did not remember any of what I had told her and her husband months ago at the church we once belonged to? The point is that during the hour we met she asked me WHERE were you born? I told her I was born in Oakland California in 1952-that I was born out of wedlock-that I never knew my father-I know nothing about my father-My mother was killed in a car wreck when I was 16 so I can not ask her who my father was-my mother I never knew either-she was there but we did not know each other now she is dead. At work today I was wondering if my mother was a virgin when she had sex with the man that got her pregnant and lead to my existence? My mother was around 17 years old when she got pregnant with me-maybe she was 18 years old? Had she had sex before before she got pregnant with me? How did my mother meet the man that got her pregnant? How did my mother react when she found out she was pregnant? Was she happy? Scared? Was I mistake? Or was my birth the will of God? I am the oldest of five children born to my dead mother-I do not know where my brothers and sisters are at-I have a brother I know where he lives but we are not close-he also does not know who is father is? I describe my childhood has one of being neglected. My mother was a stranger-she had her world and we were not in it. So here I sit now wondering why my life has turned out the way it has? Life is a mystery-maybe we have to live with no answers. I am tired and need to go lay down in the dark. 7:54 p.m. - 2002-03-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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