glorycloud's Diaryland Diary


fourth or fifth therapy session

I noticed since I wrote early yesterday I did not write anything about my fifth or has been six sessions with a therapist. Yesterday I met with a therapist (my therapist) at 2 o'clock PM. My therapist is a friendly approachable fellow, so I feel comfortable talking to him about what is going on with me. I think the first thing my therapist asked me was "How are you doing?" I gave him a long answer which was basically I am doing OK, but still think it is too early to really absolute know for certain. I have only stopped taking antidepressants about four weeks ago. I still take at night before going to bed a tiny chip of Xanax to help me sleep, but nothing during the day. I told the therapist I feel more open to people, I feel more comfortable going out into the world, I am talking more these day to my wife and others. I feel more loving I suppose. But I am still a sinner. I am still not perfect I told my therapist. I told my therapist some of my sins or inward sins of thought. At least I am aware of my depravity and am praying daily for God the Holy Spirit to transform me from one state of glory to another state of sanctification.

During this session I found myself again sharing my convection narrative "How God saved me" old story. I do not remember right now how I got going telling Jim (my therapist's name) the story of how I came to Jesus.

To be honest I find it boring hearing myself to tell someone something I have said a million times over the 51 years I have been a Christian. Who cares?

I was through this long salvation narrative seeking to tell Jim my therapist I am the slow road to recovery, but right now today I am OK for the time being. Jim and I both agreed the best thing is to take one day at a time. Now project into the future what could go wrong or maybe right.

I told Carol when I got home that evening (I had to cover for someone at the Book Nook from 3 PM till 5 PM so I got home around 5:10 PM) that I get sick of repeating the same old shit to someone. Personally in talking to Jim over the last five or six sessions that he does not remember most of what I have said in other sessions. Sometimes I wonder as we are talking does he really remember who I am? I rarely talk to people so I never forget what we have talked about if I run into that person after not talking to them in years. I also write down conversations that I have with people especially someone who is my therapist.

During my session with Jim the therapist he mentioned a book that is in our library titled, 'Reaching Out' by Henri J. M. Nouwen. I found the place in this little book that matches what my therapist communicated to me yesterday. I quote from Nouwen's book 'Reaching Out'-

"The first polarity deals with our relationship to ourselves. It is the polarity between loneliness and solitude. The second polarity forms the basis of our relationship to others. This is the polarity between hostility and hospitality. The third, final and most important polarity structures our relationship with God. This is the polarity between illusion and prayer. During our life we become more aware not only of our crying loneliness but also of our real desire for a solitude of the heart; we come to the painful realization not only of our cruel hostilities but also of our hope to receive our fellow humans with unconditional hospitality; and underneath all of this we discover not only the endless illusions which make us act as if we are masters of our fate but also the precarious gift of prayer hidden in the depth of innermost self. Thus, the spiritual life is that constant movement between the poles of loneliness and solitude, hostility and hospitality, illusion and prayer. The more we comes to the painful confession of our loneliness, hostilities and illusions, the more we are able to see solitude, hospitality and prayer as part of the vision of our life. Although after many years of living we often feel more lonely, hostile and filled with illusions than when we had hardly a past to reflect upon, we also know better than before that all these pains have deepened and sharpened our urge to reach out to a solitary, hospitable and prayerful mode of existence." pg. xix Introduction 'Reaching Out' by Henri J.M. Nouwen

Right now I can not recall anything else to record about this therapy session. Jim and I plan to have another session in five weeks (next month towards the middle of the month). Maybe by then I can determine if the changes I sense within myself are permanent or vain hopes.

I will close for the time being. If I recall anything else said during this session I will write it down when it comes to me. Like I wrote I do not like repeating old shit. I want to go forward in my spiritual life, not backwards. I do not want to wallow in shit of my Past.

9:52 a.m. - 2021-10-09


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