glorycloud's Diaryland Diary


God is my only hope

Jonny diary entry Sunday 27,2021
It is 10:17 AM Sunday morning here in West Michigan. It has been raining off and on for days. It is also been very humid. Carol and I have been seeking to take walks a couple times a day so as to deal with my stress/anxiousness/fears. We have determined that this week we are going to seek professional help for depression and anxiety. I have to come to the realization the last six weeks that I can't cope any longer. I need help or some plan of action to deal with my fears/anxiety/depression.

I did not write here yesterday due to being too sick with fear/depression/anxiety. Right now I am writing these words feeling very sick with stress/anxiety. I suppose what triggered this episode is our family visiting us the next couple of weeks. I find the task of communication/being present among all these people 14 altogether overwhelming. I can deal with Carol and little Josie off and on throughout the week, but that is about it. I can go to the Book Nook because I know what to expect and very little is demanded of me there.

I was able this morning to find some strength/will power to go down the street to say Hi to our son Josiah and his little girl Marika. They got in from Washington State last night around 9:30 PM. Josiah had to drive in rain storms from Chicago to Holland/scary weather driving but he and Marika made it/they are staying at Caleb and Emily's.

Andy, Beth, Lou, Marn, Jack and little Nora left Denver this morning/driving here to Holland MI. They are expected to be here tomorrow evening and will be staying with us.

I will close to pray. Carol and I have been praying constantly for the Lord to grant me grace/strength to keep going.

I know how this feels Jonny, and I hope you and your doctor can find a plan that works for you, for me I deal with the same thing anything new or even thinking about something that’s days or weeks away gives me dread, also I have health anxiety so any little twitch or feeling in my body and I think it’s catastrophic and I’m going to die, been to the ER probably 15 times had all the tests done on my heart/blood/brain ct scan! They just say it’s anxiety which is hard for my brain to accept or believe.
I’m on Xanax daily and supposed to be on a anti-depression medication but I fear all the side effects that could happen, hoping I can muster up a little courage and take them maybe they will help. I will pray for you my friend! This anxiety/panic/depression is no joke, we need to let go and let Jesus take over. That is much harder to say than do.

Jonny Crookedfingers
What dosage of Xanax do you take a day. I take .25 Mg at least twice a day. Do you think I should a stronger .5 Mg? What is your dose? Do you take anything for sleeping. I seem to be sleeping OK and eating OK. Do you see anyone like a Therapist? Talk to someone about your anxiety? Do you think your anxiety is cause by something from the Past? Childhood trauma? Can you think of any cause for your panic attacks/dread/depression? How do you cope when you feel horrible besides taking Xanax? I find myself wanting to run out the door. My wife and I have been walking a couple times a day and praying constantly for the Lord to grant grace/strength.

I do plan to seek medical help this week. I am also not sure about taking ant-depression meds. I think I need to find a plan to cope from this depression/anxiety because it is becoming absolutely scary. I get these ideas in my head like I am forsaken of God, which I know is not true. I have been a Christian for 50 years and have never felt forsaken-I have felt super depressed but never felt forsaken of God. I want to be a Christian. I want to live for the Lord. It is all beyond me. I suppose there is no quick cure. We are praying praying praying.

Much easier to say ‘let go and let Jesus take over’ I meant to say

Jonny Crookedfingers
How do you let the Lord Jesus take over? What I mean is when I feel trapped how do you let go when it seems there is no way out. I find myself sitting alone crying out to the Lord/please Lord do not let me go/take control of my Life Mind Heart total Life force/fill me afresh with God the Holy Spirit/save me if I an lost/take away my unbelief if I am unbelieving/give me True Faith True Repentance Have mercy on me a poor sinner/totally lost and in Need of the powerful saving work of the Lord Jesus Christ/seal with the Holy Spirit/set me free from the darkness and fill me with holy divine Light of your Glorious Saving Presence/I want to SEE Jesus Christ in Saving Power displayed in my salvation. I want to taste the forgiving love of God/be filled with the peace of God/feel deep inside the mighty operations of grace/work of God the Holy Spirit/lift me up out of pit and place me on the Rock Jesus Christ. Praying groaning crying pleading with the Lord to have pity on me. Amen

5:07 p.m. - 2021-06-27


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