glorycloud's Diaryland Diary

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my sheep hear my voice

my sheep hear my voice

It is early Thursday morning and I am awake on my birth day. I am now 51 years old. I woke up at 4 o'clock in the morning and could not fall back to sleep, so I got up to face the day. I have been reading music reviews and journals. There is nothing special on my mind this morning. I do not remember my dreams. The last thing I remember before getting out of my bed is dreaming Carol and I were in a giant mall looking for a pair of jeans. We some how got separated and she could not find me in this giant mall.

Last night I read St. John of the Cross and went to bed early. So it is my birth day. Do I feel older this morning? I do know my body is getting old. I feel the same inside. It is weird the process of aging. You have the same mind and spirit that you had when you were 20 but you have a different body. The mind does not grow old or the soul, but the body does. Well I suppose my brain is getting old but not my soul spirit. I am eternal spiritually speaking. The apostle Paul wrote "Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal" 2 Corinth 4:16-18.

Last night I remember talking to Carol about what I have been thinking lately on the spiritual life. As I was sharing with her she fell asleep. I think my wife finds me boring. I am always rambling about the things of God. There is no one to talk to these days. I should just shut up and pray to God. Pour out my words into the ear of the Lord Jesus. I neglect coming to the throne of grace with my words. I neglect spiritual fellowship with the Lord Jesus. I am always too busy writing down words and not listening for the voice of the Great Shepherd of the elect sheep.

I was telling Carol last night that what I need is a spiritual director. I do not need to go to church and be yelled at. I do not need to be indoctrinated on Sundays. I need spiritual help. I need spiritual guidance. I have heard for years that we go to church to minister to people and not to be ministered to. Well I totally disagree. I need spiritual help. I need some old fashion soul care. And I know that will not happen at Covenant PCA or any other church around here. Sadly to say soul care is a lost spiritual art in Calvinistic churches. I think the old Puritans knew the art of soul care, but not today among the heirs of the English Puritans. We need ministers who know the history of Christian spirituality. Ministers need to know the history of soul care. (I hear birds greeting another day). Check out this book sometime "By The Renewing Of Your Minds: The Pastoral Function of Christian Doctrine" by Ellen T. Charry.

I want to go to a church where there are small groups meeting for contemplative prayer. I want to sit under preaching that is biblical, exegetical and scholarly. I do not want to hear Reformed doctrine on Sundays. I want to hear the Word of God preached and not the traditions of men on Sundays. I am tired of doctrinal preaching. I want to hear the voice of Jesus. To me every church has an agenda. Where do you go on Sunday to encounter God? I told Carol last night I am not just going to join a church just to join a church. I am not going to follow the herd. I know what I need spiritually and Covenant PCA will not meet my needs. Also I am not orthodox any more. I am a freak in the Calvinistic camp. There is no place for me in the american religious world. So you can see I am a broken record and that is why after today I will be writing Here only on Saturdays last day of the week. I should change the titled of my livejournal to The Seventh Day.

I plan to keep writing because that is what I have been doing since I was in the 12th grade in High School. I went to High School in Richmond, Calif. I graduated from High School in 1970. My spiritual journey began the summer of 1970, so I have been seeking the Lord now 33 years. I do not believe a person seeks God till they are regenerated by the Holy Spirit. Men and women by nature do not seek God. We are all born haters of God and not seekers of God. Only after we are born again by the Holy Spirit do we seek God.

The first years of my Christian life I was in the Jesus Movement. I think around 1973 I joined the staff of Richmond Rescue Mission. While working at this mission the Lord lead me into the doctrines of grace. I joined the Covenant Orthodox Presbyterian Church in Berkeley Calif. around 1976. I left the Richmond Rescue Mission and around 1978 left Calf. to attend Reformed Bible College Grand Rapids Mich. met Carol got married graduated in 1981 had two kids Caleb and Josiah. Went to Jackson Miss. Reformed Theological Seminary Bethany was born while we were at RTS. I graudated from RTS in 1986. We moved to Houston TX where we did a ministerial internship at Covenant PCA under Dr. Joey Pipa (Joey is now president of Greenville Presbyterian Theological Seminary in Greenville, SC). We left Houston around 12 going on 13 years ago to raise our kids here in Holland Mich where Carol grew up and where her mother and brothers are living. I have been working at the egg pit going on 10 years. Existence keeps going by. Next month Bethany leaves the home nest and will be a freshman at Calvin College Grand Rapids Mich. My spiritual life over the last 33 years has been rich and complex. It is all a mystery to me why I am working at the bottom of the egg pit? I do not why my life has come to end at the bottom of the egg pit? I suppose in the end we live by blind faith. My leap of faith has landed me at the bottom of the egg hole.

At least over the last 33 years I have collected one of the best small theological libraries a manual worker could desire. It is sad though to see my books gathering dust down in the basement. But it is the Lord's will so I must not weep over my dusty old books.

Well I am going to close to eat breakfast. Happy Birth Day Jonny Ray Keen.

[listening to Spain "She haunts my dreams"]

7:26 a.m. - 2003-08-14

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